Lies and trouble

When  you seriously consider commiting suicide, you tend to think that everybody's going to be better without you. That your death is going to be something positive for all the people around you. Your family will be better without you than with a son who is not what they expected to be. Your ex girlfriend will forget you easier and quicker. Your friends will never have problems with you again. You know that everyone is going to go ahead. Their lifes will carry on. With or without you. You will be fotgotten. Sooner or later, but you'll be so. So what's the point in going on with your life, when you have all this stuff spinning in your head? I don't know. That's how I feel right now. This afternoon, I will have to study again altough I don't know if that's going to be useful. I will have to see my friends again, although I know they are not the people who will make me feel better. And I will have to see my parents although I know I have deceived them and that I'm not what they expected from me. Now I just wait for some sign. For some stupid thing that will happen, and will change all this, this monotony which fills my life now. I feel as if everybody knew something I don't. Like an idiot, I keep floating on this river. Without any direction. When is that going to stop?

When is my life going to stop beeing........a lie?